Archive for the ‘yoda knocked me back’ Category

I Make Stuff Up

Tuesday, July 27th, 2010

I’ve had a week of furious typing, post-its, scribbling in pencil and… filling in forms. With the arrival of a new person into the world comes a whole host of forms needed to prove the poor blighter’s existence to the government / NHS / my landlord. He doesn’t even have a real pair of shoes yet (we have been remiss in this, but I’ve a novel to finish and in this house if you don’t walk, you don’t get shoes) and yet we’ve had to jump through all kinds of hoops to get him a birth certificate, registered with a doctor, alert the fine people at HMRC to his existence and justify my own continuing existence to a health visitor. All activities that are accompanied by forms, questions and questionnaires.

I’m a grumpy get at the best of times (you hadn’t noticed?) but PLEASE, when I’m working to a deadline, on much less sleep than I’d like and have a bit of a 1000 piece Disney jigsaw puzzle stuck to my hair with vomited breast-milk (he’s been easy on the crap, this past few days) DON’T look at me like I’m a deluded, sorry fantasist in need of intervention when you ask me what I do for a living for your bloody FORM and I answer honestly. Think of how many books there are in the world. Someone’s got to write them, haven’t they?

My favourite quiz of the week is the one they use to check if you’re depressed or not. Tick boxes. Do you feel like harming yourself and / or others a) never b) sometimes c) on a near constant basis. I answer C, and clarify that this isn’t a post-partum thing, but is how I always feel, especially when asked invasive questions by someone I’ve never met before who invited themselves around to my house and sneered at me when I told them what I do for a living, (really? That’s nice. And what did you do for a job?.) then followed it up by asking me what my husband thought of it… (very little, I should imagine).

I’m not going to tell these people I’m a writer any more. I’m going to say I’m a detective, a spy, a magician. I’m a consultant escapologist. I’m a private eye. I’m Columbo’s wife. I’m Mrs Hudson, Sherlock Holmes’ landlady. I’m Harriet the Spy. I’m a cross between Nancy Drew and Nana Mouskouri. I make stuff up. I type very fast in two hour bursts, sometimes at night, sometimes holding the baby, sometimes while eating breakfast.

Here’s an ambivalent review of A Kind of Intimacy from L-Magazine, ‘New York City’s Local Event and Arts And Culture Guide.’

Failed Novels + Tiny Stories

Tuesday, October 6th, 2009

I read this, this morning, and it got me out of a foul mood that has been simmering for about a week. I’ve also been enjoying the short short stories Emma Lannie has been writing during her September project.

I’m sick of my novel. SICK, I tell you. Oh well, back to the coal face. I don’t have a break scheduled in for another three weeks.

Glamour + Competition

Friday, February 20th, 2009

I have ‘pulled myself together’.

I’m dealing with the facial disfigurement by growing a beard. It’s all going to be fine.

I’m shopping too. I’m going to be signing books soon, so I thought I’d buy a new nib for my fountain pen. And some ink. Shopping for bottles of ink is always really fun. It isn’t like buying shoes.

I do it online. It would be so much better if there were a shop, dimly lit, with rows and rows of little glass bottles lined up like medicine in an old fashioned chemist’s.

Here is the page of possible ink colours.

I wanted an ink to co-ordinate with the cover of the book. Because I am feeble and shallow. I can worry for a long time about the exact right colour, and what kind of message scented ink will say about me, and whether I will smudge the ink on the inside of the cover, and all kinds of other, similarly feeble things.

It is called displacement and projection and substitute anxiety.

The first person who guesses which colour I chose can have a free copy of the novel, posted to them when I get my box of author copies, which should be soon. Put your guess as a comment. When my ink arrives in the post, I will post a picture so you know, despite my occupation and reputation, I am not lying.

First Rejection of the Year

Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008

Already!

Seems like a cause for celebration. Raise a glass of lemsip to me, will you? I think 2008 is going to be The Year of Rejection for me. I can’t wait. I have a whole new novel for people to turn their noses up at now. Great things await me.

Thanks for all your kind thoughts and words. I feel a bit of a fraud today. I went to work and coughed so much. I could tell I was really, really getting on people’s nerves with my consumptive hacking. So I did it more. And it made me happy. Which means I am better.

Self-Pity #100045698

Thursday, October 25th, 2007

I’ve decided I don’t like being rejected much. For all the smug commentary about the process being more important than the project, my claims to prefer being a writer than one who has written, etc etc, I am not too keen on the little letters and emails I get every now and again. There isn’t a way not to take it personally because the writing is personal. I might make most of it up, but no-one else could make it up in that way except for me, so when someone says no, it puts me in a bad mood.

Other things that put me in a bad mood are: little one caking her head in Vaseline when I am trying to benignly-neglect her and write another paragraph, using one of my bare feet to stand on a little metal train from the train set, finding my cat has had his upset stomach under the kitchen table (I am sorry, little one, for blaming the smell on you), not being able to find the paying in book for my savings account, having to answer the phone and the recycling man not taking the cardboard in the recycling box because I put it out too early and it got rained on.

The main thing is the writing though. It should be enough, I think, to have finished it and checked the punctuation and given it a nice title and printed it out. I have a little stash of them in a drawer, muttering patiently about their fur-coats of dust. Despite all the stereotypes that abound about writerly types, no-one is such a loner (not me, anyway) that they wouldn’t like someone to read what they have written.

Or it should be called something other than rejection, like ‘deciding to be just friends’ instead of ‘dumped by text for your mother on Valentine’s day.’

Sometimes when I am in a bad mood I think about buying a really big bag of very tiny mega-bounce balls in neon swirly colours, and throwing them from the top of a very high building. Of course I would make sure that no-one was about first. I am going to make all my stories into paper aeroplanes and go onto the top of Preston Bus Station’s multi storey car-park and fly them off the top and MAKE people read them. Bastards, all of you.

Half Life

Saturday, October 13th, 2007
I think I got bored of the writerly solitude because my friend came to see me last night and while he was reading I started playing Second Life. That is about as sociable as I ever get.

I’ve heard about Second Life but never bothered until I read, a while ago, that Snowbooks bought Mothernight there. That sounded interesting. So I logged on, my computer juddering under the pressure of having to download the software. (I must have been bored, because getting it to run also involved updating almost every driver I have – but I digress).

I spent a happy half hour trying to make the avatar look just like me. She’s got my freckles and glasses and silly hair, but she’s much prettier – if you like big-eyed dummy-looking girl-graphics, that is.

I teleported into a bar so I could chat to people but they were all six feet tall with big boobies, or square-jawed top-man models with Tony and Guy hair. They were all dancing and I don’t think you can do dancing unless someone wants to dance with you. Second Life was very quickly shaping up to be distressingly similar to First Life. I conquered my shyness, trotted about and said hello to everyone then practiced flying for a bit and looked at things then said hello to everyone again.

‘Why isn’t anyone talking to me?’ That was me, whining a bit.
‘They can see you’re desperate. You’ve ran up to every single person in the room.’ That was him, sucking at a bottle of wine and reading Kurt Vonnegut.

‘I’m being nice! I’ve got red shoes…’

‘You’re too short. And why are you torturing yourself in that bar when there’s a whole world out there! Wait.. check it out, Yoda’s over there. Go and dance with Yoda.’

The sight of Jenn Proto sitting by herself at the bar, looking around through too-big glasses (must fix that) and watching the beautiful people dance made me feel a bit sad. But I was tipsy, and I am an emotional drunk. Off I went. She runs like she’s got stones in her shoes, skinny arms flapping out behind her like kite-strings. I felt tender for her, kept wanting to tell her to play it cool, to look aloof and interesting.
By the time I’d trotted over to Yoda he was dancing with a nine-foot purple haired goth with yellow eyes and sparkly boots. You can’t blame him, can you?

I just put it on this morning to see how Jenn was doing. She was still standing by herself in the bar waiting for me to figure out a way to teleport her to a library, but little person crawled up onto my knee and said, ‘is that you? Pretty girl! Mummy on the pootie!’ which was very nice.
Clearly, my only friends are the ones I breed myself.


© 2012 Jenn Ashworth. All Rights Reserved. Photographs used with permission.Terms & Conditions | Sitemap | Contact
Website Design by 3ManFactory

Preston Bus Station
by Tony Worrall