Archive for the ‘yoda doesn’t know what he’s talking about’ Category

Theme Ingredients

Tuesday, February 10th, 2009

I often think of writing as a bit like cooking. All the ingredients are things that are already in my head, and my mind acts like a washing machine, skooshes them all about, and then I write, and bits and pieces turn up in the strangest places.

That theory means I should be careful about what I put into my head in the first place. Choose only the best ingredients. One of the ingredients this week was riding about in a car that had a television inside it. I kid you not, my friends, such things exist.

The other ingredient is here, which comes courtesy of Socrates at Chicken and Pies.

If my writing output becomes a little odd, you know who to blame.

EDIT: Probably best not to watch this if you are sensitive. Or vegetarian. Or you just like animals. Sorry.

A Kind of Intimacy promo + singing underwear

Monday, September 22nd, 2008

I wanted to show my friend the page on Amazon with my book on it. I typed in my name. It asked me if I meant ‘mens Ashworth’. I typed in the title of the book. Amazon wondered if I wouldn’t also like: The Best Kind of Loving: A Black Woman’s Guide to Finding Intimacy, or Discovering Sexuality That Will Satisfy You Both: When Couples Want Different Kinds of Sex or A new kind of intimacy: A manual for husbands and wives.

I did not want any of these books.

I wanted this book: Secret Life of Syrian Lingerie: Intimacy and Design

Syrian lingerie is racy attire little-known in the west. Manufactured in Syria and exported throughout the Middle East, it blinks, sings, vibrates, and flashes lights, and is adorned with everything from faux fir to artificial flowers and feathered birds to colourful plastic toy cell phones. This sort of lingerie is well known and accepted in Syrian culture, and is openly displayed in the markets and souks – it forms an important part of the longstanding folk traditions around weddings and marriage. Brides-to-be are given it as gifts by their mothers, or buy it themselves; husbands buy it for wives.


Pop

Sunday, May 25th, 2008

Well done me. I have done a tatty first draft of my book. I can’t give you word count, because most of it is still in handwriting rather than Times New Roman, but I think it will be quite short compared to how I imagine it will be when it is done. So let’s say 50 – 60 thousand words.

I feel much better now it is done. I feel like I can start properly now. Most of my writing is editing, really. I get a bit scared by nothing – blank pages, new word files, notebooks with pages left to be filled. When I have lots of words I can roll my sleeves up and get stuck in. Which I will be doing (that is ‘real’ writing, I think) soon, but not right away.

I am going to write a bit about method and process now. This might not be interesting if you don’t like writing. Sorry.

1. The first novel I wrote was on a typewriter. I typed up the sheets onto a computer. It was rubbish but I still have it.
2. The second novel was written on a laptop. It got stolen (thank god). That was rubbish too, because there wasn’t actually a story to it. I liked doing it though.
3. The third novel was mainly written on a computer. Some parts of it were written on the back of printer paper that had been used to print out short stories I didn’t like anymore. That one was better. I still like that one a lot.
4. The fourth one was written on a computer. I wrote it very quickly because I was scared that I had finished number 3 and wasn’t working on anything else. It is shocking. Much worse than number 1. I don’t have it anymore. There wasn’t anything in it worth saving.
5. This one has been written mainly in A4 pads. This is different for me, as you can see. I tried to type it up when I had time at the weekends, but I started tinkering with it then, so I gave that up. I needed the paper and pen this time, because I was writing it in my car during my lunch break and in bed at night, or early in the morning.

Other things: I think I know what this one is going to be ‘about’ now. I think it will be a bit happier than number 3. It is going to have a happy ending, but it is a happy ending with a sort of shadow to it. I am still suspicious of happy endings. There are going to be less Deep Sea Fish in it than I thought, although there will still be a few. It is nothing like my plan. There are three deaths in it. I think three is the optimum number of corpses to have in a novel.

I am very happy.

Sh Review (not by me)

Thursday, May 15th, 2008

Librarians are an odd bunch (I believe we’ve established that time and again in this blog!) They like to write about themselves as a profession. They’re often quite glib, or very very depressed about it. And they’re often quite isolated and alone about it, which is what make Sh…, an interactive blog novel about a bunch of fictitious library workers, so interesting. If you liked “The Librarians”, or even “The Office” (probably more the UK version, not that awful Yankee ripoff) you might very well enjoy a peek...

This is from Liberry Dwarf.

How good is that? I am very pleased. Me and Emma did good. There is another new sub up, BTW, and a call for submissions.

You know you want to.

!!

Monday, April 28th, 2008

I am very excited. I am working on something top secret (clues in the tags). The top secret thing will probably be available for your public viewing on Friday. It is going to be good. It is a story which will be free to read. And not just me writing it. And submissions too.

My lips are sealed until then.

This is me Drumming Up Interest. If you wanted to Register Interest you should post in the comments. Then when Friday comes I can spam you with plugs upon plugs.

Being spammed with plugs is less painful than it sounds.

Little Plug + Cactus + Shame

Sunday, April 27th, 2008

Just a tiny plug. I am going to a cactus nursery today. It is a special treat. I am very excited. I might do a cactus photo shoot. There is, apparently, a ‘Pornographic Cactus’ not for sale for available for viewing only.

Here’s the plug:

My New House Hates Me at Lit Up Magazine.

I like this story, but I’ve spotted three mistakes in it. Not exactly typos, because they are in fact real words, just the wrong words. One of them is ‘leavers’ when I meant ‘levers’.

These typos are my fault and not the magazine’s. I am ashamed.

I will give you a prize if you can spot the other two.

Big Dirty Plug

Thursday, March 27th, 2008

Pygmy Giant has got a new story of mine: My Boss is Amazing. It is a kind of sequel to an earlier story of mine that they published. I’ve got another one in the pipeline. I am a flash-fiction short short story machine.

I was going to write a long post about how many bloggers and writers in their twenties write about work and being employees and their stories are often humorous or surreal or absurd and it probably has something to do with crises of identity and over-extended adolescence. I was planning to use words like ‘Zeitgeist’ and wonder aloud in suitably vocabularied ways what we might be writing when we were ten years older. I might have digressed onto something that could have been called ‘Writing the Self’ and wittered about fiction and non-fiction, memoir and autobiography and lying. I thought I might take in the spate of bad mother memoirs we had a few years ago, (newsflash: sleep deprivation and bleeding nipples are not fun… zzzz) and how as a twenty-something single mother I should really be writing about hating my child rather than hating my job, (it’s fiction, fiction, don’t forget: that’s because we make it up and LIE and sometimes people can’t tell).

In the end I decided a post like that would be dull and provoke even duller arguments and would be too much hassle to write and I would change my mind about what I thought half way through. So I decided not to.

I bet you are glad.

Two Stories

Tuesday, January 15th, 2008

Here is short story I wrote. The website is called The Pygmy Giant and it is very good. My friend Simon Stratton has some stories on there and you should read them as well as mine.

Here is one of the stories (in the comments) I wrote in an exchange for an essential of life. More coming soon. I don’t need socks any more either, but I still need toothpaste. I am also about to run out of soya mince. I like the dried textured vegetable protein stuff from Holland and Barratt. It is very light and should be easy to post.

Chris also wants to swap stories for essentials of life. I don’t know what ‘crunk‘ is.

I might not be about for a bit. It depends how long it takes to get the tinterwebs up and running in my new place.

Really Excellent Writing

Thursday, January 3rd, 2008

I have been doing some top banana writing the past few days. Maybe it was because I Went Crazy For Three Days and while I Was Crazy new circuits were made in my brain.

I think it might be because I have not done any smoking or drinking or caffeine for ages. I have been taking vitamins and brushing my teeth more than usual. I cleaned my room and washed all my bed linen and scrubbed the toilet because I didn’t want to get ill again.

I think I am probably rancid with health. I am brimming with good ideas and intentions. I think I am probably going to live to be a hundred and write a gaggle of wonderful novels. Which will all be rejected by everyone who is anyone.

I have to move house soon. I have been preparing for this by throwing my things away. I have almost no things now. I really like what that feels like.

I have been working on my new novel and I have also been writing a short story. There’s a certain place I want to submit this story so if they take it you will be able to read it. If they don’t take it I will put it on here and you can read it for free. It is going to be called something like ‘a plan for going to work’ or ‘my job: the plan’ or something like that. I am not good at titles. You could name this story if you liked.

You can name my novel too. It should have something about Deep Sea Fish in the title. The main characters are called Lola and Chloe. There are two murders in it, but not gory ones. I want it to be a bit like a Greek Tragedy. I am not sure exactly what that means. What I mean is, I want to feel the feelings I felt when I first read about the House of Atreus when I read this thing I am writing. I am getting there.

Things that make me happy

Wednesday, December 5th, 2007

I dislike Christmas quite a lot. I hate having to go to shops when there are other people there, and I hate STUFF you have to clean or put away or put together or find instructions for, and I get worried about buying presents in case I bought the wrong thing and then the person who I bought it for hates me because I misjudged so terribly.

But this year I am sort of excited because my little one is getting excited. I think she was too little to understand the lying before, but she’s swallowed the Santa-fib hook line and sinker this year. It has put me in a good mood. It is, possibly, the third good mood that I have had this year. I am taking advantage and making a things that make me happy list.

1. Being in the dark and listening to the radio.
2. Going to sleep with my head at the feet end of the bed.
3. Beeping the horn on the car.
4. Having a really good handwriting day.
5. My red coat with the hood.
6. Hot air balloons.
7. My nasty, too-fat, fighting cat.
8. When one of the cacti gets a flower.
9. Listening to little one have conversations with her bears.
10. My new stripy bed blanket.


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