Archive for the ‘neurotic’ Category

Mental Image

Wednesday, January 5th, 2011

Insert glib quote about life imitating art, or something, here.

It has been a week of not much writing and lots of looking. I haven’t planned it this way, but a batch of similar tasks have all cropped up together over the past week or so.

I have been looking at logos and mock up web pages for a new project (you will hear about this soon, and first, o reader  – I promise) and wrestling with the problem of getting the ideas about images out of my head and into an email so that my partner in this project and our designer can see them too.

I’ve also been making lists of locations in Cold Light and discussing the pros and cons of each of them with the digital marketing person at Sceptre. She’s taking my ideas and her own and working them into a brief for a film production company. They’ll use the brief to make a trailer for the book. The idea, I think, is to have me in some of the settings reading bits of the book to bring the locations to life.

When I was writing Cold Light I imagined the river freezing over in icy chunks that were inches thick. It suited me to believe it could happen though in my heart of hearts I doubted it. The cold weather we’ve had over the past couple of weeks has pleased me because the river really did freeze over. Kim took he picture of the Ribble opposite and also recently disproved my theory that fish can live in frozen ponds as long as there’s an air hole in the ice.

So all this thinking about setting, and location reminded me of a conversation I had with a member of the audience during an MLF / Rainy City Stories event about Writing and Place late last year. The three of us (me, Claire Dudman, Nicholas Royle) were talking about using real places in fiction. I said I’d used Preston for Cold Light, but taken some liberties, changed a few things around – for my own convenience and because I didn’t want to depict the place exactly, but write more or less how I felt about it (hence the river freezing over  – which at the time I didn’t think was possible.)

I made a hash of explaining it, but I think I meant that the atmosphere and emotions of a place were more true and real and interesting for me than street names, real bus routes, distance between parks and shopping centres, Debenhams’ policy on shoplifters. There are Facts and ‘facts’ about a place. And the audience member said, ‘well why call it Preston at all then?’ which was a good question, and stumped me, until I realised on the way home (spirit of the staircase) that I hadn’t actually mentioned Preston by name at all in the book – just other things that made it obvious, like the name of the motorway and the river and the shape and size of our very special multi storey car-park.

Us Prestonians have got some fantastically grotty places – I’ve been revisting my memories of them to find pictures to show to the people in charge of making a film that will sum up Cold Light in four minutes or less. The only problem is that, especially in the not-grotty park, the locations of 1997 are not the same now. So not only could I never find pictures of the fictional Preston I’ve bludgeoned into existence with my keyboard, but the pictures that will appear on the film trailer will be more than a decade out of date.

I know that’s okay. I know that the trailer, the same as the book, is interested in evoking rather than describing a place. In this case, a pretend one.

But all the same, here I am making lists of  locations to film in, finding photographs on flickr and fretting because the old bandstand isn’t there any more and things in the trailer aren’t exactly going to look the way they do in the book. The only place it is real is in my head. The film trailer and the map I am making and the other bits and pieces that make use of real places and pictures to describe what it might look like are just approximations of it.

With A Kind of Intimacy, when people have mental pictures of Annie or her house that don’t quite match up to mine, I can shrug – the book is as much yours as it is mine now. She can be six foot tall for you and around my significantly-below-average height to me – it doesn’t matter too much, and the fact that the reader is the co-creator of the novel – bringing the pictures to life and using the words as their jumping off place – well, that’s what books are for, isn’t it?

Perhaps all this anxiety I’ve found in rooting about for images and trying to find the exact right picture to show the film production company what the park where Emma and Lola do their drinking should really, really look like, is just a way of not letting go, not giving the reader room to make her own pictures. And I think it’s because now it’s 2011 and the book will be published This Year and I’m getting nervous about having to let go of it whether I want to or not, and a little bit because over the past month I’ve seen parts of Cold Light become real before my eyes.

Which is unsettling.

On Compromise and Stilton Jars

Tuesday, March 30th, 2010

This is a kind of follow-on to my last post, which was about working within boundaries – both as a creative writer, and as someone who works on creative writing projects and teaches creative writing to others.

It was about the way I feel that boundaries can either shape or stifle the work, and me feeling a bit uncomfortable about setting other people boundaries – even though I know I can be very creative inside some rules myself and I know that sometimes writers appreciate a brief, a nudge in the right direction, a set of guidelines to bump up against.

I still haven’t found an answer to that one – still haven’t decided how I feel, other than ‘it depends’.

This post is about compromise, which is related, I think. Doing creative work might seem to be full of kicks and freedom and a world away from the 9-5 drudge you do for a boss, but in actual fact it is often a series of compromises between what I would like to do, and what the funders require – what I think is best or most effective, and what ticks the right boxes. Sometimes this means working really creatively on developing and delivering a project that ticks everyone’s boxes (that idea of boundaries being inspiring again) and sometimes, it doesn’t. Sometimes is means he who pays the piper calls the tune.

I’ve not been doing freelance work (writer-for-hire) long enough to be able to tell how these compromises are going to feel to me before I start, although I’m learning that the amount of compromise involved is important to me. Because when the compromise is too much, I start to feel bad. I feel dishonest, or like I don’t want to be associated with the product because it’s too far away from the way I think it should have been done. I’ve been mainly lucky so far with this.

And what about my own writing? I can write what I like, and most of the time I do. When I was writing A Kind of Intimacy I hoped but did not expect to get it published, and that gave me a lot of freedom to write about things I didn’t think anyone else but me would be interested in. It just turned out that they were. It was lucky. I liked it. I hope it will happen again like that.

I can write what I want, please no-one but myself, and refuse to compromise. I can be playful, and I am allowed to write badly or oddly and I am allowed to write things that won’t ever be significant to anyone other than me. I’ve noticed the more I need to budge in my professional life, the more independent and wilful I need to be in my own writing.

But. But. But.

But if I want other people to read my writing, or I want it to be published, or I want to make a living doing it, or I want to win something, or if I want it reviewed, or if I want to go to festivals, or I want to get more work teaching (or any combination of these, some of which I do and don’t want in varying degrees of importance that change from day to day) there are also compromises to be made.

So far, these compromises have been small and have been the creative kind of boundaries that have felt inspiring. So I might write a story to a theme I hadn’t thought about before, or stick to a word count when if left to my own devices I’d give the story a bit longer, or take into account the submission deadlines of a competition when planning my work for the week… these things are basic. They are things that influence my creative decisions and I am fine with that.

But what about bigger compromises? How do I balance that? How do I balance being able to earn enough to pay the rent against being able to write something that feels okay to me, and feels like what I wanted to say? I could always get a real job, and write what I like without compromise. That is always open to me.

This is connected, again, to my half-hearted planning for novel number three. Annie says she’s a minority interest, like ‘folding paper birds or collecting stilton jars’.

I think my writing is a bit like that.

Glamour + Competition

Friday, February 20th, 2009

I have ‘pulled myself together’.

I’m dealing with the facial disfigurement by growing a beard. It’s all going to be fine.

I’m shopping too. I’m going to be signing books soon, so I thought I’d buy a new nib for my fountain pen. And some ink. Shopping for bottles of ink is always really fun. It isn’t like buying shoes.

I do it online. It would be so much better if there were a shop, dimly lit, with rows and rows of little glass bottles lined up like medicine in an old fashioned chemist’s.

Here is the page of possible ink colours.

I wanted an ink to co-ordinate with the cover of the book. Because I am feeble and shallow. I can worry for a long time about the exact right colour, and what kind of message scented ink will say about me, and whether I will smudge the ink on the inside of the cover, and all kinds of other, similarly feeble things.

It is called displacement and projection and substitute anxiety.

The first person who guesses which colour I chose can have a free copy of the novel, posted to them when I get my box of author copies, which should be soon. Put your guess as a comment. When my ink arrives in the post, I will post a picture so you know, despite my occupation and reputation, I am not lying.

Big Tit

Wednesday, February 18th, 2009

I have been interviewed, photographed and consulted. I have written ‘bio’ and ‘author info’ and ‘questions for reading groups’ and lists of favourite books. I have been asked opinions about things that I don’t have opinions on. I have been emailing like the wind.

I am turning into a big, air filled, wart like thing. My head is like a cuckoo clock. It’s making my skin bad. I have a case of acne. It is tiny acne, but it is there, seething and blistering. My skin wants to get away. My skin wants to fly off into the sunset with a tube of E45 and no books, but a drink with an umbrella in it, and maybe some crushed ice and lime wedges.

My skin’s favourite drink is the WooWoo. I work too hard. I should drink more WooWoos. Take it easy.

On a brighter, and more interesting note, the Small Fry is not sick any more and soon there is going to be a regular live lit night in Preston. Also, my friend Jane is very pleased, because the cover of my book matches her favourite coat and gloves. (Click the link for a sneaky preview of Acknowledgements, should you wish to…)

Defrost

Monday, December 15th, 2008

I’m feeling a bit better now. I bought some new trousers and ironed them with scented ironing water.

My computer at home is unplugged. I haven’t picked up a pen outside work for over a week now.

I didn’t destroy anything. I Flirted With The Idea. That seemed to be enough.

I had some nice emails. A friend told me that Dostoevsky burned the first draft of Crime and Punishment. That made me feel better. Thank you.

My friend threw a wet towel at me as I languished in bed. He said I needed to get up and take a shower and stop moaning. I did. That made me feel better. Thank you.

I have some excellent ideas for the final editing tweaking of Cold Light.

Number three came to me a few days ago, almost fully formed. I’m excited again.

Also, BT agree that I don’t owe them any money. They owe me money. I have a credit from them. I should have new shiny tinterwebs at home before Christmas. I am going to spend the birthday of Jesus catching up on my emails.

What I am Up To At The Moment

Friday, July 18th, 2008

1. Spending more time than I would like writing a portfolio about my last two years of being a librarian. This is so I can send it to the Real Librarian’s club and be allowed to be a Real Librarian too. Working in a library is not a pretend job I have until I ‘make it’ as a writer. I like it very much. So I am writing the portfolio and applying to join the club. I am going to put a bit in the portfolio about Sh. It is going into the section about new technologies. I like the Sh bit. It is a very different kind of writing. The prose is ugly, although I do like using bullet points and tables.

  • like this
  • and this

2. Practising yoga in my bedroom when no-one else is around to laugh at me. I used to go to a yoga class and I stopped because I felt daft doing it in front of people. Now I am doing it again to cure some persistent conditions. Such as

  • lethargy
  • insomnia
  • misanthropy
  • out of control imaginings resulting in anxiety
  • persistent borderline alcoholism

3. Writing a second draft of fishbook, adding scenes that should have been there in the first place, and trying to find a structure for it. This is hard and tiring but I like it better than first drafts.

  • I don’t have a relevant bullet point for this.

4. Working on a very short story commissioned by Flax.
5. Considering what I will read when I go here.
6. Getting ready to move house again.

I am Really Really Scared

Saturday, June 28th, 2008

I am off to do my reading tonight and I am scared.

Mainly I am scared because I don’t like lots of people in the same room all looking at me all at once.

And also because I will have to drive there and it is going to be on a motorway and that is worrying.

I am hoping to combat the fear by these two methods:

1. New windscreen wipers for the car, so I can still see if it rains.
2. Stripy socks and red shoes.

So if you are there and you want to talk to me but you haven’t seen me in real life before, I will be wearing stripy socks and red shoes. This might be a little bit of an ice-breaker.

I Am A Bad Person

Thursday, March 27th, 2008

Today I was having a frank exchange of opinion with my friend, during which the words ‘absurd’ and ‘neurotic’ and ‘out of proportion’ and ‘unreliable’ and ‘people skills’ were mentioned. I sort of wished I had a tape-recorder so I could write it up because it was just the scene I needed for a bit in the Fish Book I have been struggling with. It would have been ‘authentic’ and not ‘wooden’.

That made me think about when I fell down the stairs holding the Small Fry when she was very little, and she was quite hurt, and I thought for a few minutes she was Brown Bread. That was upsetting, but the nasty bit of me wished for the tape recorder then too.

Then it made me think I have never seen a dead body and I have only been to four funerals in my life and I didn’t cry at any of them because I was too busy looking about for details that I could transfer to my special notebook when I got home.

Half Life

Saturday, October 13th, 2007
I think I got bored of the writerly solitude because my friend came to see me last night and while he was reading I started playing Second Life. That is about as sociable as I ever get.

I’ve heard about Second Life but never bothered until I read, a while ago, that Snowbooks bought Mothernight there. That sounded interesting. So I logged on, my computer juddering under the pressure of having to download the software. (I must have been bored, because getting it to run also involved updating almost every driver I have – but I digress).

I spent a happy half hour trying to make the avatar look just like me. She’s got my freckles and glasses and silly hair, but she’s much prettier – if you like big-eyed dummy-looking girl-graphics, that is.

I teleported into a bar so I could chat to people but they were all six feet tall with big boobies, or square-jawed top-man models with Tony and Guy hair. They were all dancing and I don’t think you can do dancing unless someone wants to dance with you. Second Life was very quickly shaping up to be distressingly similar to First Life. I conquered my shyness, trotted about and said hello to everyone then practiced flying for a bit and looked at things then said hello to everyone again.

‘Why isn’t anyone talking to me?’ That was me, whining a bit.
‘They can see you’re desperate. You’ve ran up to every single person in the room.’ That was him, sucking at a bottle of wine and reading Kurt Vonnegut.

‘I’m being nice! I’ve got red shoes…’

‘You’re too short. And why are you torturing yourself in that bar when there’s a whole world out there! Wait.. check it out, Yoda’s over there. Go and dance with Yoda.’

The sight of Jenn Proto sitting by herself at the bar, looking around through too-big glasses (must fix that) and watching the beautiful people dance made me feel a bit sad. But I was tipsy, and I am an emotional drunk. Off I went. She runs like she’s got stones in her shoes, skinny arms flapping out behind her like kite-strings. I felt tender for her, kept wanting to tell her to play it cool, to look aloof and interesting.
By the time I’d trotted over to Yoda he was dancing with a nine-foot purple haired goth with yellow eyes and sparkly boots. You can’t blame him, can you?

I just put it on this morning to see how Jenn was doing. She was still standing by herself in the bar waiting for me to figure out a way to teleport her to a library, but little person crawled up onto my knee and said, ‘is that you? Pretty girl! Mummy on the pootie!’ which was very nice.
Clearly, my only friends are the ones I breed myself.

Solitude

Sunday, September 23rd, 2007

Writers are supposed to like being on their own for long periods of time. So that they can write. Writing is not a group activity. Doing the writing is supposed to be like picking your nose or going to the toilet. Other people are supposed to put you off. I like that comparison, because there is something a bit embarrassing about sitting in at night and making things up. Should have grown out of it, and if you do insist on doing it, do us all a favour and keep it to yourself, will you?

It’s fair enough. I am not keen on other people being in the bathroom with me. The charm of being stared at by a toddler while I wee has waned. I prefer shopping for clothes and shoes on my own, because I hate shopping for clothes and shoes and it is better if there is no-one with me to shout at, throw carrier bags at and say things like, ‘just pick something! Size eight! I’m past caring!’ I like going to cafes on my own because then I can take as long as I like over my coffee and look out of the window and read and scowl and feel superior. I do need to feel superior every now and again and I need to be on my own to do that – not possible when someone else is there. Even my cat gets on my nerves. I don’t really like people being in my house unless I know them very well.

And I can understand, a little bit, maybe, what it might be like for people who can’t write unless they are perfectly alone, in perfect silence. It isn’t, usually, a collaborative effort. I tried writing something for an exercise at a writers’ circle. It reminded me of every exam I’ve ever taken, looking around the tables and trying to decide who is going to ask for more paper first. Is it better just to stick your hand up, get the sheets, and cope with everyone hating you later, or should I just learn to write smaller, and stop double-spacing?

But for the writing, I need an audience. I like a person there to read things out to. I don’t mind if he wants to sleep or read or whatever. Someone breathing in the same room, who would notice if I started skiving on the Internet, wandering the house, or choking. The cat does well for this, but when I type fast he gets excited and chases my fingers over the key-board and deletes the genius.

When I am on my own doing the writing, which is more often than not, I have to do the audience as well as the writing. I’ve got to mutter. ‘Good writing now Jenn, you’re cracking on tonight. Ace. Ten more minutes and you can check the word count and get a cup of tea. Good work, champ!’

I am considering buying one of those real-dolls. Not for sex, but to sit on the end of my bed. I’d made it nod and smile and every time I looked away from the monitor, over my shoulder, it would be clapping its little plastic hands and saying, ‘read me some more, great dialogue, don’t leave me hanging, check out those apostrophes, top banana!’

I just remembered something I read in Marilyn Manson’s autobiography (what? I read it eight years ago). He said teenagers who have friends form bands and those who don’t, write. People want to watch bands, don’t they? I don’t like music much myself, but I’ve still been to see bands. People want other people to see them watching bands. There are no videos of dishevelled, friendless liars tediously redrafting their paragraphs on you-tube. Are there?

It should have occured to me before now, but there is one other very good reason why people who do writing mainly have to do it on their own. No choice.


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Preston Bus Station
by Tony Worrall