Archive for the ‘grumpy’ Category

They Did It!

Sunday, November 16th, 2008

They really did pull the plug. And apparently I owe them £230. They are going to send someone round with a bic razor and a set of weighing scales soon.

And they have still not rang me about my complaint.

I stopped playing hard to get, and rang them. After about an hour, I got through to someone who had a few lonely brain cells and was able to look up my account.

‘Yes, I see you’ve a complaint about this bill pending. Someone should ring you back about it in two to three days.’

‘That’s what you told me in October.’

‘I AM sorry you’ve had a bad experience. Someone will ring you about this in two to three days.’

‘What happens if they don’t ring me?’

‘They will ring you. I promise you. There’s a computer system.’

‘Can you not put me through to the complaints department now?’

‘I can’t, it doesn’t work like that. They have to ring you.’

‘But they aren’t ringing me. I’m getting red letters.’

‘They will ring you in 3 – 4 days.’

‘Right.’

That was a few days ago. More than 3-4 days.

Anyway. I don’t have much time to blog, but someone obviously does.

The project has been ‘reviewed’ and ‘plugged’ a bit here, by Sarah, who says:

It’s such fun – the whole caboodle – the story and quality of writing (of course), but also the frilly bits around the edges – the graphics, the links the red font on black background – how [not] cool is that? Poor Desiderus he’s been wronged and it’s bled into his vision of style. I mean, you’re safe with pink, aren’t you? It worked for Barbara Cartland; Barbie’s not doing too badly from it … I can just feel the imbalance of ability between these two guys (not Babs and Babs) and just hope I’ll be supersonically surprised…

Today’s post has been brought to you by the letter ‘K’, in honour of the friend who let me use her computer to catch up on my correspondence. She’s supporting the resistance, and we’re fighting the good fight against BT.

Pulling the Plug

Sunday, November 2nd, 2008

Well, Big Tossers were supposed to telephone me on Friday or yesterday to discuss my complaint about them. They gave me a complaint number and everything. I actually have three different complaint numbers, because when they don’t phone me back, I ring up and complain again. I don’t think they are ever going to call me back.

I have also got a reminder for a bill that is a duplicate of one I have already paid, just with a different account number, and they are going to cut off my tinterwebs tomorrow and make me pay £189 because apparently I am still in contract with them.

I am really scared. I can’t get in touch with them to explain why I shouldn’t be paying this money. If anyone lives next door to the Big Tosser family, will you let them know for me?

Maybe I won’t go to jail. Maybe they will send round customer service assistants to come and do high kicks and stabs and generally duff me up.

Maybe, one by one, all of the services in my house will be cut off. The utility companies will gang up on me and punish me for being an irritant to the Big Tosser Family.

Maybe they will get into the computers of the government and erase my identity.

Basically, what this means is that I might not have any internet tomorrow so won’t blog or email as much. I will try to blog and email on other people’s computers, but November is the month for finishing Cold Light, so it will probably do me good.

Poor Performance + LITHOPS + Jail

Monday, October 27th, 2008

I am typing this while BT have me on hold to their complaints department. I am getting angrier and angrier. I want to gather a band of men and storm their castle. I want to deface BT. If I have to have no broadband for a while, so be it. BT are going to be really sorry.

Sorry. Here is the post I planned to type.

A while ago I decided to stop working at the library all the time. For one day in the week I would stay at home and work on my novel instead.

So far, here are the sorts of things I have done on my special, expensive writing days.

1. piss about
2. buy things
3. rearrange cacti in order of tallness
4. rearrange cacti in order of fatness
5. play with facebook
6. check to see if the off licence is open
7. feed cat

I am still on hold to BT. They are playing me Peer Gynt. I want to do hari kiri.

8. make soup
9. listen to the building work being done next door
10. take erotic photographs of my desk, pencil holder and bookcase
11. go to the off licence

The situation is getting dire. I am becoming an embarrassment. I am a poor performer. A low achiever. The word count graph and submissions spreadsheets are badly indexed catalogues of shame.

(I wasn’t on hold for a bit just then. I was talking to some real people. They transferred me a few times. They are annoyed with me because I have two different account numbers. I don’t want to pay twice though. BT are incompetent. I let them know that. I haven’t sworn yet.)

I have decided the problem with writing performance is that I don’t have a boss. I need a boss. I need supervision and a weekly review. So. I will be my own boss. I will do a performance appraisal every Wednesday. If my performance is substandard I will administer sanctions.

This picture of me is of the only time when I was ever properly happy. Notice I am wearing my nice brown writing cardigan, and I am also in the presence of big cacti. The picture at the top is of lots of LITHOPS or Living Stones. They aren’t cacti but they are just as good. I have lots of them. The make me as happy as I am in this picture. I take care of them. Some of them are called Paul and Greg.

(I’ve just sworn at a BT man. He was called Jamie. Jamie, it is not personal. Please do something more respectable for a living. You sound like a nice guy. BT are not nice. Come and live with me for free until we can storm the BT castle and find you a different, better job. I am sorry Jamie.)

If I fail to perform with word count and novel I am going to throw away my LITHOPS. One by one I will destroy them. I will chuck them in the bin, but stamp on them first so I can’t get them out again afterwards. I will probably cry.

I know it seems harsh, but my idleness is getting beyond a joke. Seriously.

I am no longer on hold to BT. I have cancelled my account with them. They said I have to pay lots of money to do that, and that I won’t have any more tinterwebs after the 3rd of November. I am going to refuse to pay the extra money. They might send me to jail. LITHOPS won’t be a problem then, I suppose.

Free the Preston One!

No Telly

Tuesday, October 14th, 2008

Now and again I wish I had a telly. The Booker Prize is going to be announced tonight, isn’t it? I’ll probably get to hear it on the radio, but I won’t get to see all those puckered faces of disappointment and nice party outfits.

For more interesting ruminations on awards ceremonies, check out my arch nemesis here.

Back Again

Monday, August 25th, 2008

Hello. I am back. Isn’t it strange when Big Tossers promise you can have your internets on August 9th and then you don’t actually get them until August 25th?

I Hate them.

I HATE them.

I HATE THEM.

If Big Tossers lived near me, I would throw stones through their windows.

There is something that happens in prison sometimes. It is called ‘potting’. It involves poo and wee and a bin bag and a warm radiator or set of pipes, a few days fermenting time, and then a good aim and strong throwing arm.

Whenever I think about Big Tossers, I also think about potting. It isn’t a plan or a cause and effect thing. They just happen to be in the same place in my brain now. If my brain was a block of flats, Big Tossers and potting would be house mates. They’d be the ones who left their bikes and post in the communal hall way, and played loud music too late at night. Sometimes, they’d get drunk, and lean against the fridge to kiss and feel each other. But then they’d both feel bad and not mention it in the morning.

I might do some more blogs today. I have more things to say. But I just wanted to get the internet thing off my chest first.


What A Dick

Thursday, June 19th, 2008

Ah yes, libraries: as if having to set foot in one of those sombre buildings full of flatulent, regretful people isn’t trauma enough, having to take a book home from one of them is always a defeating experience. It’s bad enough to think that one previous owner has pawed away at the pages of a book I’m reading. The thought that scores of people might have had their evil way with it is far too much to bear.

Had their evil way with it? Even crazy made up Sh people don’t fuck the books.

(Although, by the way, there is a chance for you to get some romance into the plot by voting here.)

I need a lie down now. I am going to lie down right now, murmuring ‘dick head’ softly under my breath.

I will read my library books.

I will think how wonderful it is to be able to read books for free. I will feel glad that I get to share books with other people and talk about them every day. I will look at my little collection of things that I have found tucked between the pages of library books. Little tokens and extra stories that have fallen unexpected from between the pages as I read.

Monday, May 12th, 2008


Bad. For so many reasons.

I have the physique of a writer

Monday, April 7th, 2008

I think the world is ganging up on me. I really do. None of the things I like to do involve running about, getting out of breath or allowing my heart rate to get much higher than it is when I am lying very still in bed. I am in peak physical condition for someone who is exceptionally lazy.

But I have crap eyes. Really, really crap eyes. And my wrists are quite rickety.

My body could have any ailment that it wanted. I mean, if there was something wrong with it that meant it was dangerous for me to climb mountains or swim oceans, I really wouldn’t mind. I’d probably never find out.

I only like writing and reading.

I can’t believe it. Most of the time it outrages me. I am outraged. Actually, as we speak, I am outraging. You can imagine me, if you like, getting all incredulous and high-pitched. I would do some gesturing and may be a bit of pacing about, but I’m not up to it. I am practically at death’s door. I am Suffering.

I was sitting nicely typing stories – mixing it up now and again by lying and reading books. And then my crap eyes and rickety wrists started chiming for attention. It gets my goat. My goat is got.

The only good thing about it is that it gives me fodder for whining and hypochondria. These are my secondary hobbies.

One of my new Essentials for Life is going to be laser eye surgery.

Gets

Wednesday, February 27th, 2008

I can’t believe I am writing assignments and you people have not sent me my essentials of life.

I need Black Biro pens (one will do) and a colour picture of a peacock.

Please Give Me A Reason To Li(v)e

Monday, February 25th, 2008

Right. I think because I had a holiday from blogging because of not having the internet and being on holiday for a bit I am now out of the habit of blogging. I am sick of it. It is like having a pet you can’t forget or someone will get the RSPCA onto you. Like it is a plant it would be morally wrong to knock over and hide behind a wall.

So I am lacking in ‘inspiration’ for blogging. So I will not. For a bit. Until I get more inspirations.

Although I might do a photoshoot of this jigsaw I am doing about Deep Sea Fish. And maybe a picture of a shawl I am knitting.

I read The Raw Shark Texts while I was on holiday. I wanted a book sort of about the sea to take with me. I really liked it. I especially liked the ending because I couldn’t decide if it was sad or not. But then the very end of the ending was a picture, which looked sort of happy. So I thought it must be a happy ending. I’ve been studying endings recently because they aren’t my strong point.

I’ve also been reading lots and lots of A L Kennedy’s short stories. I really like them too. I’ve had good luck with choosing books recently. Even book-choosing professionals sometimes get it wrong.

So now if you feel like doing a guest post for this blog or giving me a subject to write a blog post about I will. I quite like the idea of a guest post. You can write whatever you like. You can pretend to be me and make all kinds of confessions. I’d really like that.

Otherwise I’ll probably just be quiet for a bit. Unless I need to plug something.


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