Okay. You will all need to pay your fees upfront, in full, in advance, cash, no large notes. I have had a change of heart, you see. Vast amounts of money exploited from hopeful writers is now an Essential For Life.
I will also need a head and shoulders photo for my records.
Boys: something black and white and arty. Maybe you could sit in front of a typewriter, or stroke your top lip? Glasses are good. I don’t want to see you smiling. No teeth, unless you are grimacing in artistic pain.
Girls: tousle haired and doe-eyed please. Maybe you could put kittens or pink dresses or flowers in there too. Full colour, so we can see your dewy skin and sparkling eyes. Smile, but not too many teeth. You need to make Richard Madeley fancy you, without Judy Finnegan noticing.
I also need to know how thick your work in progress is. Please print it out and let me know the measurements. You can mess about with font and spacing as much as you like.
Only 4″ and upwards need apply.
David Isaak also gets to go for free, because he plugged. He also suggested a ‘distance learning’ version of the course. David, if you would like you lock yourself in your own cellar, I am happy to provide the full rejection experience by text message. Call charges apply.